It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Warning for who ever may read this: I am in a very down mood.

I know not everything in life goes as planned, but still. I wasn't supposed to get postpartum depression. I wasn't supposed to gain as much weight as I did. I wasn't supposed to be unable to breastfeed for longer than a few weeks. I wasn't supposed to use formula, or disposable diapers. For some reason, this week, I got really down again and I am hating it. I don't know if it was the return of my period (sorry, way TMI) or what it was but it occured to me that my baby will only eat more, and the larger size diapers come in lesser quantities per box, so you have to buy more, and we will seemingly go broke. Even if I wanted to find a job, the economy is horrible so there are like 10,000 people, probably literally, applying to the same jobs. I also don't yet have a degree so I wouldn't stand out. I don't know what it is. But I am tired of feeling like a fat slob in a messy house, because at this exact moment I am far too drained to get up and clean it. I guess it's not TOO bad, but bad enough for the moment.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but that doesn't help. I am very blessed to have a happy baby (unless she's fighting her nap...a daily occurance) and a supportive and loving husband, but I still feel so alone and sad right now. I also feel guilty because so many women out there cannot have children or have to resort to miserably long processes to have them, and here I am, not the happiest person like I should be or thought I would be. I still have so much guilt about breastfeeding. Maybe I could've pumped, maybe I could've just fought through what I was going through at the time I gave it up, but I didn't and I know formula probably isn't as bad as the extreme lactivists think it is, but I hate having to buy something my body was making on it's own. I'd love to try to get it back, but I'm pretty sure it's not possible. I thought about trying to take supplements to get my supply back, but it's almost totally gone, sadly. I do know that she can still latch on because I tried and let her for a little bit, but I have no idea what she got out of me, if anything.

On another note, when my daughter is fighting her naps, it seems like she's PHYSICALLY fighting her nap. She bats at me and hits me. I hope she doesn't mean to.

HELP

Ok, if any parent reads this, how on earth do I get my 3 month old crabby baby to nap? She fights it to no end, and as we speak she is in her crib crying. She's napped today no more than an hour total and it's almost 3. I know she's tired because she's screaming right now, which she does when she's hungry or tired but she just ate, so she's tired. I am trying SO hard to just let her cry until she falls asleep but I feel so guilty. Last time I let her win her battle with naps, at around 5:30 she was SCREAMING to no end. So, she's going to have to just nap. I worry that she will not smile at me anymore and be mad at me. I know I've asked for this but I need more help. I've tried almost everything...rocking her, the football hold, sitting with her, the pacifier which I know she spit out.....help.

Yippee!

My child is napping! I hope it lasts. I'm afraid to go downstairs because she'll be up as soon as I do, and I have a cut on the bottom of my foot that makes walking hard.

Happy birthday princess <3

28 weeks pregnant, looking oompa loompa-ish

Oh how I love this face

My face before I got pregnant, and before it gained 20 pounds

Before going to get induced, 70 pounds later. I am only posting this to remind myself of why I need to diet and exercise REALLY BAD. I really do look like an oompa loompa here, since I'm all of 5'4.

Rome was not built in a day.

My house is a disaster area. Maybe not to some, but it is to me since I've become a complete neat freak. I clean my kitchen, and by clean I mean scrub the counters, at least every other day but it still manages to get messy daily. I have dogs, who I love but would like to get rid of to be quite honest, and they manage to track in dirt and hair and other gross things. I need to vacuum daily but I have a 2 story house and a 3 month old so needless to say, that doesn't happen. Not even close.

What I need to do is do a room each day but it is so much harder than it seems. Being a stay at home mom of a 3 month old is so not easy, not that I expected it to be, but I won't lie...it's harder than I thought. She does not like to take naps, as she is whimpering in her crib right now fighting it, but babycenter.com says that 3 month old babies need to get about 5 hours of sleep during the day. My little nugget takes a few 45 minute naps during the day, and that's just not enough time to clean, or work out which is something I'd love to have the time for. Ha. I know it'll probably, hopefully, become easier as she gets older and maybe takes a couple nice LONG naps during the day like other babies I know, but for now I am ready to tear my hair out at the thought of being in my gross house. There are so many little things I need to do and who knows when I will have the time for them, see one of my other blogs below for my list I made myself. I don't know if it's on the list, but I need to pull out my stove and clean the sides of it (so gross) and also, put new shelf paper in my cabinets.

Also, I need some suggestions on how to get my baby to stop fighting sleep so much and start napping during the day more. She's in her crib babbling and whining, not crying, as we speak because her eyes were getting droopy. I think when I'm done here I'll go rub her tummy and put her pacifier back in, and then see if she goes to sleep or not.

Leah...

...was not named after Leah on Jon and Kate. I've been asked that too many times now.

Anyhow, here are some photos of my princess, because she is beautiful.

Not hating tummy time anymore!

One of my little nugget's first professional pictures

=)

Projects

I keep inventing household projects in my head but sadly, I lack the time, energy, and motivation to start, let alone complete any of them. So, I will list them here so I can read them and remind myself of them.

• Place framed pictures around the house. This should be fairly easy since I am picking up pictures this weekend from Leah's first professional portraits
• Get a new kennel for my dogs, put it in the dining room, and rearrange the dining room table/dog food bowls
• Get the end tables and coffee table for my living room
• Fake houseplant or houseplants for my kitchen
• Get a basket thingy for the random bits of mail that my husband leaves on the counter, and for other things
• New kitchen towels, since my dog was kind enough to destroy my decorative ones
• Reorganize Leah's closet and box up the clothes she has already grown out of
• Get a dining room rug
• Get an ikea bookshelf
• Get a new DVD holder that fits in my living room
• Get a temperpedic mattress. Those things are amazing.
• Get nightstands. I miss having them and I will never take them for granted once I get them EVER AGAIN.
• NEW SHOWERHEADS. I hate ours, and having detachable ones would make it easier to wash my dogs

And some projects for the long term....

• Get someone to repaint ALL of the rooms in my house and repair all of the random little holes and whatnot that the previous owners left
• Get new flooring that is similar to the ones we already have. Ours have scatches and whatnot and pieces of missing floorboards that my husband neglected to repair and have since broken even more.
• New water softener. Either ours doesn't work, or my husband just doesn't maintain it.

Ok. That's that. Maybe I can scratch them off of the list once they're completed. If anyone has any suggestions or would like to help, feel free.