Happy New Year!

I feel much MUCH better now. I think part of it is that I am in a bit more of a routine with the baby now, during the day. Now that it's just us two, I can do things my way. Oh, I figured out my medication situation as well. I am working on getting my breastmilk supply back, slowly but surely. I think she'll still get formula also though. I'll figure that out. I am off to bed here in a minute, on New Years Eve. Thank you to everyone for the comments, I really appreciate them!

When skies are gray...

I may or may not regret writing such a deeply personal thing in here, but it's not going to stop me from doing it.

I am at a very low place right now. Why? I couldn't tell you. I started this entry a week ago, and have not been able to finish it. I don't really know where to begin with what I need to get out. First, I am traumatized by my daughter's birth. It was a very scary, traumatic experience. Childbirth obviously is physically hard on the body no matter what, but it's supposed to be joyful regardless because it's bringing a child into the world, which is a miracle in itself. I am still pretty upset that I missed the contractions, water breaking, frantic rush to the hospital, pushing...you get the picture. Instead, I feel that I was bullied by my doctors into an induction when neither myself or my baby were ready, and it ended in 28 hours of painful labor followed by a c-section. In the end, all I wanted to do was sleep. I had lost so much blood and I was seriously shaking so hard I didn't want to see anyone, including the baby. What brand new mother doesn't want to see their baby? I felt terrible. When I stopped shaking so hard and came to, I looked at her laying peacefully on the warmer, sleeping with her arms in the air. Then I finally got to hold her as we went to the postpartum recovery room.

The hospital experience wasn't horrible. The day she was born I was bedridden and not allowed to eat. All I did was try and sleep, and feed my baby. I was in too much pain for anything else. I had a ton of visitors, which I am very grateful for, but some were not very wanted, dropped in with no notice whatsoever, and my baby was passed around between everyone. I wanted some time with my husband and brand new baby and I felt like I didn't get that until late at night, when she needed to eat or whatever.

We have been home almost 2 weeks now and it has been horrible for me. When she was about 5 days old, I found myself on my spare bathroom floor crying my eyes out, only to be found by my mom who was doing my dishes. I was wondering why I had ever decided to have a baby in the first place. I was missing my life before the baby, when my husband and I could go out to dinner, when I could sleep more than a couple hours at a time, and when my life did not always revolve around a newborn baby. In the midst of these thoughts are guilt because many women out there would love to have a new baby, and her I am thinking I ruined my own life, my husband's life, and my daughter's. That day was the beginning of a horrible downward spiral that has landed me near rock bottom...and it's become very clear that I have postpartum depression. My daughter is now 2 weeks old as of today and I am struggling to enjoy my baby. I do love her, but I am almost afraid of her. This coming Monday, my husband is going back to work so I'll be alone with her all day during the day and I am beyond terrified about that. I am afraid of going into a panic. It will be the first time I can't just leave and run away from my feelings.

I don't know if it is caused by pure exhaustion and hormones or not, but postpartum depression is evil. You expect to be over the moon after the birth of your child and you expect it to be so blissful, and then it sneaks up on you and hits you with guilt, hopelessness, despair, regret, and a whole slew of emotions that are a huge shock to your body. So, in an attempt to get rid of this or help it, I made a trip to the doctor that I really did not want to make, and got some medicine. It is going to take a good 2 weeks or so to work, or to be most effective or whatever, so I'm just waiting. The thing about it is I can't breastfeed while I take it. Well I can, but the effects on the infant are unknown and they could be learning delays. So I'd rather not take that chance.

If you knew me well or talked to me a lot during my pregnancy, I did so much research on breastfeeding and how to be successful at it while I was pregnant. I took a class taught by a lactation consultant, read various books, you name it. Then I was blessed with a baby who latches on like a pro. I loved nursing her, and she did too. She would gaze up at me with her loving, innocent blue eyes while she ate. The fact that I have to give that up now breaks my heart completely. I feel like I am somehow failing her, because breastmilk is best, and it was a great bonding experience for us. So that is something I am completely and totally struggling with. I hate having to use formula and yes, I know that formula is not poison and it is not the end of the world that she eats formula. In fact, she seems to be adjusting well to the bottle. But everything I wanted and tried to plan for during my pregnancy didn't happen like I wanted it to. Obviously I did not plan for a c-section, and I did not want to quit nursing.

To sum it up, I feel very defeated but this is a battle I just can't win without help. Even if help is a drug I never wanted to have to take. I feel very weak, and like less of a woman right now as I watch my daughter lay in my husband's arms, sucking on her pacifier, looking content. He's been a big help which is why I am so nervous for him to go back to work. My mom can come in the afternoon, but it will be a long and tiring morning for us, mostly me. I can already forsee it, and I don't want to even think about how it will be come January when school starts again. All the people who come and visit can easily leave and go back to their normal lives. My husband can even go to work, which is like an escape from home, and resume his normal life, and I can't. My new life is staying home with her, and it is much harder than I thought it would be.

Also, the title of this is from a song I really like and would love to be able to sing to my baby, You Are My Sunshine. I have tried since this has all happened, and I can't seem to get past "you make me happy...." because right now, no one really makes me happy right now, as sad as that is.

So, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Oh, if anyone wants to know more about postpartum depression or anything like that, Brooke Shields' book is great.

Leah Marie

I had my baby girl on Saturday December 12 at 1:32am. She was born on her due date, which wasn't exactly by her own choice so it's really not that exciting.

All last week I was not dilated and I had a high cervix, so my doctor sent me in to get my amniotic fluid and her growth checked to make sure she was continuing to thrive, which she was but my amniotic fluid was incredibly low, and she was full term (39 weeks 5 days) so why leave her in there? The doctors decided it was best to induce me, which actually I was upset about because I wanted to feel contractions at home, go through the "time to go to the hospital!" phase with my husband, and all of that. Instead, after my appointment on Thursday I went home, cleaned, packed, showered, and went to the hospital at 9.

Being induced was awful. Beyond awful. They did 3 different methods of induction, and maybe 20 hours or so after it all started, I was progressing on my own, which was really funny...not. They did all kinds of painful procedures to make me progress, and I was exhausted, hungry, thirsty, and just miserable by Friday night. I think I got my epidural at 4cm because the contractions were pretty strong. What's really cool is my epidural worked on the left half of my body and they had a very hard time getting it to take. So, I still felt everything on the right, which was of course, hell. Once I hit 9cm, they saw that she had flipped face up (it's much harder to squeeze out a face up baby) and her heartrate dropped with every contraction and by this point they were frequent, and I began vomiting pretty badly. So, my doctor decided to do a c section, and after being in labor for 27, yes 27 hours, I don't think I could've pushed anything out, so c section it was.

Oh the c section. They had to do a full spinal epidural, which had its own fair share of problems. I had random dots of skin that I could feel, thankfully none of which were being cut. The tugging and pressure and feeling of your muscles being spread, however, made me almost puke again but the trusty anesthesiologist put something fantastic in my epidural to help with that and I didn't puke. Then, I heard a little whimper, and baby was out! What's heartbreaking for me is that when she came out, I began to convulse and shake very violently, and did so for a couple hours after her birth. My mouth was hurting from my teeth chattering so I was holding my jaw with my hands, which didn't help. They finally took me to the delivery room where Leah was and I barely looked at her. I put my arm over my face, and just shook miserably. My family was in there admiring the baby, trying to talk to me, and I was just not responsive. I could hear her and I remember thinking that I needed to get her on the boobs soon so she could latch on, but I was too shaky. So, long story short, I missed the first 2 hours of her life because of this and I still feel so sad about it, but we went to post partum, and I finally got to hold, cuddle, kiss, and love her. Now, she is almost 4 days old and just a great baby. I can't get enough of her.

I more or less wrote this for me, but if you read this, I thank you :). I'm sure I forgot some details which I will add later.

I lied.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant...and so sore and anxious! I had to make a post about it, haha. I'm feeling good though, I just want to meet my baby. I still have a lot of cleaning to do. I fell a bit behind with it...and I am so so so tired. It's 9:30 and I've managed to stay up this late but I can't do it anymore. Goodnight!

38 weeks!!!!!

I can't believe that I have 2 WEEKS LEFT! It's like it's so close, yet so far. Her nursery is done, just needs to be vacuumed, oh and I need to wash her socks and hats and little mittens. But aside from that, it's all ready for her. So is her pack and play, it's sitting in our room, just waiting for her. Everything else is in it's place, I scrubbed her bathroom, and ours, top to bottom, and I dusted her room. I'm not done doing all of the scrubbing and cleaning that I'd like to do, but all of this squatting and walking around, and standing might help with labor so I am more than happy to do it. I've been going to the grocery store for a few things at a time lately as well, and standing all day Thanksgiving, cooking and baking, really wore me out but again, let's hope it's getting things going.

Aside from that, there really is nothing new to report. Oh, car seat needs to go in the car too. But really, we're ready! I'm excited but it still seems like its months, not weeks or days away. I've been sleeping a little bit better too, knock on wood. It's still rough when I get up no less than 4 times a night, rolling over is a bit of a process, and just all around restlessness, but it has really got a lot better.

Wow, this is a boring blog I'll bet. I have nothing to talk about except my baby preparations. Ah well, once she's here I'll talk about nothing except for her, I'm sure. I'm not sure who all even reads this, aside from husband...and me, when I feel like reminiscing. :)

Well...hopefully this is my last posting on here until the baby is here! Probably not though, haha....we'll see.. Life is pretty good right now, except for the fact that life likes to kick me when I'm down a little bit, but nothing we can't handle.

Almost full term!

I am so excited to be able to say that at any time, I can have a baby. It still doesn't seem real, but soon enough I'm sure it will.

I'm happy to report that I am no longer suffering from whatever I had, although I still have a really mild lingering cough, and also I got the unemployment situation figured out...just in time for something else to come up. Apparently, I was "randomly selected" to go to some Nevada Job Connect office, have my skills looked at, and I have to fill out some work sheet and also bring a log of the jobs I've applied for. The date for all of this is December 9, which is scary close to my due date, of course meaning I could either be massively pregnant still, in the hospital, or home with a very young newborn; all of which are less than desireable situations for going to this thing. So, I'm at a loss for what to do. They don't know I'm pregnant because it is a confidential medical thing that they don't need to know that, but clearly, there's about a 99% chance I can't show up that day. So what do I do? Pretend I didn't get the letter? Call in the morning and say "I can't show up that day because my baby is due that week", play it by ear..? I really don't know. I was planning on just sleeping on it tonight (which doesn't seem to want to happen since it's 1am and I'm not even that tired) so I guess I can see how I feel about it in the morning. This just really sucks. Why me, can't they just leave me alone in peace?

On a much happier note, my daughter's nursery, dare I say it, is just about done. Everything for the most part is in it's place, and I just need to get some rubbing alcohol and q tips. Oh, and a humidifier. Her nursery is adorable. I want to live in there. I'll take pics once it is completely done, meaning the little teeny things scattered are out of there. I got her a head and neck support thing for her car seat, which I want for myself...it is so soft, and a JJ Cole bundle me. So, she's going to be supported and warm in her car seat. I got those window shades too, a little hamper and a lamp. Thank you babies r us for faithfully sending me coupons, and for having a gigantic clearance.

So basically, as I have 23 days until my baby is due, I'm just trying to stay busy, hence my almost daily trips to various places (gets me out of the house). But, I feel like things just aren't falling into place like I hoped they naturally would before baby comes. I have all of these issues with unemployment that are making it hard for me to just relax and enjoy the final days/weeks of my first pregnancy. My husband tells me to think positively, but it's a little hard. I don't want to lose my benefits. I didn't do anything to deserve this, I've worked hard since I was 17, and not once have I cheated the government or lived off of it! Plus, the Nevada Division of Unemployment needs to learn that if there really were jobs out there, we wouldn't have a 14% unemployment rating., I also feel like I'm missing an essential baby item but I can't quite put my finger on it. I think that's just a thought, I can't possibly be missing anything.

So, if you're reading this (not sure who does or doesn't) then PLEASE pray that everything works out for the best, a safe and healthy delivery, and that the unemployment works out.

5 weeks and counting

Well I made it to 35 weeks which is great. There were a few bumps along the way, and a million pounds, but we made it. I went to the doctor on Thursday and she's very healthy, a little over 5 pounds, and very cute. She's head down and ready to go, yay! I'm still nervous of course, but I think it's to be expected.

I hate to say it but I'm actually a little apprehensive about being a mom. What if my baby doesn't like me or can't be soothed by me? What if things get bad with my husband and I? Don't get me wrong, we have a pretty great marriage. Things have been great just the two of us. We giggle while we talk and just lay around watching TV, we tell each other everything, and we generally have a lot of fun together. We have no real issues to speak of. I just hope that the huge adjustment we're going to make is going to ruin that. I feel bad for thinking that way too. :(

Anyhow, I am very sick. I was sick since last Tuesday with what I thought might just be a cold, and every morning I have woken up with a new symnptom, or worse symptoms. It turned into nasal congestion, to a completely clogged nose, the kind where you can't sniff and you feel like blowing your nose is pointless because it fills right back up, a bad sore throat, and a painful cough. On Thursday I got a Z pack, the 5 day pretty powerful yet pregnancy safe antibiotic, and tomorrow is my last pill and I am significantly worse than I was when I started. This scares me. I'm planning on calling my doctor first thing in the morning when I get up. I can handle being sick, even with pneumonia and pleursy (had them before) but my little baby can't. I won't even go into how much this has inhibited my ability to get my house ready for the baby. None of the above list has been accomplished.

Another thing that kind of sucks right now is unemployment. On my original claim, I think I mentioned that child care is a factor in my acceptance of a job or something like that because, well, it is. Apparently the Nevada division of Unemployment thinks a job is going to fall out of thin air for me and that people are going to continue to pay for child care while they don't work. It's unrealistic, but anyhow, they need more information to determine my eligibility. Ugh! It did tell me however to file my weekly claim today, which I went to do, then the lovely internet system told me it had been too long since my previous weekly claim. So, I figure I tried again, and it said I already did. So...who knows. I didn't get any sort of confirmation number or anything. They're supposed to call me Tuesday so I guess we'll see.

So, basically, it feels as if so many things are happening at once. And all RIGHT before we have a baby, literally. I know I can handle it all but it's not too easy. I have to remind myself that someone out there has it worse off than me and it'll pass. Hopefully by the next time I update this, a lot of things mentioned will be resolved. We'll see.

Feeling better?

I am starting to feel a little bit better about being unemployed. Of course today is only day 3 of me not having a job (on a weekday) but I'm also sick, and had my 34 week check up to go to. All is well with the baby! As for me, as long as my temp doesn't go up 1 or 2 more degrees (it was at 99.4 or something) then I should be ok.
My due date is in 38 days! Still 5 and a half more weeks but wow, not a lot of days considering there's thanksgiving weekend in there. I still feel like I have so much to do, and I guess I do, but I don't have energy to do any of it, especially while I'm sick. Maybe I'll make a list here to help me?

• Clean and rearrange her room
• Finish her laundry
• Finish (and start) OUR laundry
• Clean my house top to bottom
• Lysol disinfectant spray my house, top to bottom (its flu season)
• Buy a few more things, like swaddle blankets, diapers, and a my first christmas outfit of course
• Set up her pack n play
• Get sheets for said pack n play, since it's where she'll sleep
• Put a gate up for my dogs
• Clean carpets
• Somehow shampoo or clean my dirty couches
• Rearrange our room
• New pillows for us (ours are ruined)
• New sheets for us (again, ours are ruined)
• Find a pediatrician
• Cook lots of meals to freeze since I won't want to cook

I think that may be it. In my head, it sounded like a lot more things, which it probably is.

6 more weeks

Well I made it to 34 weeks. Not that there was ever any real doubt but my doctor wasn't too sure a few months back because of some mild complications. If she were to be born today, which a small part of me wishes she could be since I am getting uncomfortable, she'd be just fine. That's always a huge relief.

In the next 6 weeks, I don't have all that much to do. Nothing that will take 6 weeks anyway. Her clothes need washing, and I slowly need to make stops at babies r us to pick up a few things I still need, and that's really it. What sucks is I have no job now. Yes, I wanted to stay at home with the baby anyway, but I wanted to work a little bit longer before I left. I am not one who can sit around the house all day. I have never really NOT been busy in my life. I've always been in school, or working, and for a long time it was both. I've never just been idle, ever. There are things around the house, like detailed cleanings, but that, again, won't last for 6 weeks.

Which brings me to a scary and unpleasant thought of mine...I may very well hate being a stay at home mom, because of my inability to be at home all day. Yes, I do realize a newborn, or even an older infant keeps one plenty busy but it's a huge adjustment. I think it's all hitting me that my childfree days are numbered, and while I am so excited to meet my little girl, I'm terrified of screwing up. And even right now, feeling like I might not like spending all day with her, I feel like some sort of monster for not wanting to be around her. Over the past 8 months, literally, I have learned SO much and done so much research that I feel like I've been a mom for years. I have poured my energy into learning things, making educated decisions, and planning them out. Now, it's all real. She's coming very soon and am I really ready? Once she's here and it warms up, I can always take her on a walk around my neighborhood so we can both get sunlight and fresh air. I'm just scared of going stir crazy I guess.

I don't know if any of what I just wrote makes sense. I'm tired, and pregnant haha so it shouldn't have to.

Long Day.

For some reason, today felt like an especially long day. I went to work early, left early, went to the doctor, got home at my normal time, and slept until about an hour ago. I wish there were more hours in the day for me to sleep, and accomplish something! I'm trying to continue prenatal pilates, get the nursery in order, get and keep my house clean...but I just don't have the energy to do everything and I don't like it. Part of pregnancy I guess.

On the topic of pilates, boy does it do wonders for my overall physical discomfort. It's exercise but all of the stretching is what really helps. I hear it helps out a lot when it comes to delivery too. If I can somehow find energy, then I'll be able to do them more then twice a week and see how delivery goes.

I feel like I have so much to do and 9 more weeks isn't that long, then I have my days where I feel like "geez, 9 more weeks?!" I still need to register at the hospital, laundry (too early for that), put her 12 month clothes I won't need for a while away, clean the room really well, wipe her furniture down...that's a lot when I am getting so swollen and big to even function!

I have the biggest craving for orange juice. I just had 3 glasses. I don't want any more though because I hear too much vitamin C is bad. The plus side is it is calcium fortified though, so that's good for us.

When I started this, I swear I had more to add in here, but nope! :)

My very first blog!

I am new to this whole blogging thing. Well, sort of. I like reading blogs, and it's amazing the blogs you find that belong to people from way back in elementary school. Anyways, I wanted to make this because, for one, I do like reading them...and I'd like to one day look back and read this one, especially since in about 11 weeks my life will be entirely different than it is now, and plus, if I like reading them, and others like reading them, maybe mine will be read?

Anyhow, I am sitting here with my wonderful husband Rich, as he watches the AFC divisional playoff game from 1994, with the Chargers. You'd think he didn't know the outcome with how glued to the TV he is.

Tomorrow I will be 29 weeks pregnant! I did great on my glucose test, and I have a 96% chance of NOT going into labor in the next 2 weeks, which is obviously a good thing. I will not ever post a picture of myself, at least not for a long time, because I feel like I have gained an obscene amount of weight, and I don't want published reminders of it. But, here is my baby girl's crib so far...

I don't know how to center this picture but anyhow, this is her little crib. The nursery is a lot more set up now.

Well...that's enough for now. I need to figure this whole thing out, and I hope this doesn't look ridiculous.