Thursday, December 31, 2009
Happy New Year!
I feel much MUCH better now. I think part of it is that I am in a bit more of a routine with the baby now, during the day. Now that it's just us two, I can do things my way. Oh, I figured out my medication situation as well. I am working on getting my breastmilk supply back, slowly but surely. I think she'll still get formula also though. I'll figure that out. I am off to bed here in a minute, on New Years Eve. Thank you to everyone for the comments, I really appreciate them!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
When skies are gray...
I may or may not regret writing such a deeply personal thing in here, but it's not going to stop me from doing it.
I am at a very low place right now. Why? I couldn't tell you. I started this entry a week ago, and have not been able to finish it. I don't really know where to begin with what I need to get out. First, I am traumatized by my daughter's birth. It was a very scary, traumatic experience. Childbirth obviously is physically hard on the body no matter what, but it's supposed to be joyful regardless because it's bringing a child into the world, which is a miracle in itself. I am still pretty upset that I missed the contractions, water breaking, frantic rush to the hospital, pushing...you get the picture. Instead, I feel that I was bullied by my doctors into an induction when neither myself or my baby were ready, and it ended in 28 hours of painful labor followed by a c-section. In the end, all I wanted to do was sleep. I had lost so much blood and I was seriously shaking so hard I didn't want to see anyone, including the baby. What brand new mother doesn't want to see their baby? I felt terrible. When I stopped shaking so hard and came to, I looked at her laying peacefully on the warmer, sleeping with her arms in the air. Then I finally got to hold her as we went to the postpartum recovery room.
The hospital experience wasn't horrible. The day she was born I was bedridden and not allowed to eat. All I did was try and sleep, and feed my baby. I was in too much pain for anything else. I had a ton of visitors, which I am very grateful for, but some were not very wanted, dropped in with no notice whatsoever, and my baby was passed around between everyone. I wanted some time with my husband and brand new baby and I felt like I didn't get that until late at night, when she needed to eat or whatever.
We have been home almost 2 weeks now and it has been horrible for me. When she was about 5 days old, I found myself on my spare bathroom floor crying my eyes out, only to be found by my mom who was doing my dishes. I was wondering why I had ever decided to have a baby in the first place. I was missing my life before the baby, when my husband and I could go out to dinner, when I could sleep more than a couple hours at a time, and when my life did not always revolve around a newborn baby. In the midst of these thoughts are guilt because many women out there would love to have a new baby, and her I am thinking I ruined my own life, my husband's life, and my daughter's. That day was the beginning of a horrible downward spiral that has landed me near rock bottom...and it's become very clear that I have postpartum depression. My daughter is now 2 weeks old as of today and I am struggling to enjoy my baby. I do love her, but I am almost afraid of her. This coming Monday, my husband is going back to work so I'll be alone with her all day during the day and I am beyond terrified about that. I am afraid of going into a panic. It will be the first time I can't just leave and run away from my feelings.
I don't know if it is caused by pure exhaustion and hormones or not, but postpartum depression is evil. You expect to be over the moon after the birth of your child and you expect it to be so blissful, and then it sneaks up on you and hits you with guilt, hopelessness, despair, regret, and a whole slew of emotions that are a huge shock to your body. So, in an attempt to get rid of this or help it, I made a trip to the doctor that I really did not want to make, and got some medicine. It is going to take a good 2 weeks or so to work, or to be most effective or whatever, so I'm just waiting. The thing about it is I can't breastfeed while I take it. Well I can, but the effects on the infant are unknown and they could be learning delays. So I'd rather not take that chance.
If you knew me well or talked to me a lot during my pregnancy, I did so much research on breastfeeding and how to be successful at it while I was pregnant. I took a class taught by a lactation consultant, read various books, you name it. Then I was blessed with a baby who latches on like a pro. I loved nursing her, and she did too. She would gaze up at me with her loving, innocent blue eyes while she ate. The fact that I have to give that up now breaks my heart completely. I feel like I am somehow failing her, because breastmilk is best, and it was a great bonding experience for us. So that is something I am completely and totally struggling with. I hate having to use formula and yes, I know that formula is not poison and it is not the end of the world that she eats formula. In fact, she seems to be adjusting well to the bottle. But everything I wanted and tried to plan for during my pregnancy didn't happen like I wanted it to. Obviously I did not plan for a c-section, and I did not want to quit nursing.
To sum it up, I feel very defeated but this is a battle I just can't win without help. Even if help is a drug I never wanted to have to take. I feel very weak, and like less of a woman right now as I watch my daughter lay in my husband's arms, sucking on her pacifier, looking content. He's been a big help which is why I am so nervous for him to go back to work. My mom can come in the afternoon, but it will be a long and tiring morning for us, mostly me. I can already forsee it, and I don't want to even think about how it will be come January when school starts again. All the people who come and visit can easily leave and go back to their normal lives. My husband can even go to work, which is like an escape from home, and resume his normal life, and I can't. My new life is staying home with her, and it is much harder than I thought it would be.
Also, the title of this is from a song I really like and would love to be able to sing to my baby, You Are My Sunshine. I have tried since this has all happened, and I can't seem to get past "you make me happy...." because right now, no one really makes me happy right now, as sad as that is.
So, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Oh, if anyone wants to know more about postpartum depression or anything like that, Brooke Shields' book is great.
I am at a very low place right now. Why? I couldn't tell you. I started this entry a week ago, and have not been able to finish it. I don't really know where to begin with what I need to get out. First, I am traumatized by my daughter's birth. It was a very scary, traumatic experience. Childbirth obviously is physically hard on the body no matter what, but it's supposed to be joyful regardless because it's bringing a child into the world, which is a miracle in itself. I am still pretty upset that I missed the contractions, water breaking, frantic rush to the hospital, pushing...you get the picture. Instead, I feel that I was bullied by my doctors into an induction when neither myself or my baby were ready, and it ended in 28 hours of painful labor followed by a c-section. In the end, all I wanted to do was sleep. I had lost so much blood and I was seriously shaking so hard I didn't want to see anyone, including the baby. What brand new mother doesn't want to see their baby? I felt terrible. When I stopped shaking so hard and came to, I looked at her laying peacefully on the warmer, sleeping with her arms in the air. Then I finally got to hold her as we went to the postpartum recovery room.
The hospital experience wasn't horrible. The day she was born I was bedridden and not allowed to eat. All I did was try and sleep, and feed my baby. I was in too much pain for anything else. I had a ton of visitors, which I am very grateful for, but some were not very wanted, dropped in with no notice whatsoever, and my baby was passed around between everyone. I wanted some time with my husband and brand new baby and I felt like I didn't get that until late at night, when she needed to eat or whatever.
We have been home almost 2 weeks now and it has been horrible for me. When she was about 5 days old, I found myself on my spare bathroom floor crying my eyes out, only to be found by my mom who was doing my dishes. I was wondering why I had ever decided to have a baby in the first place. I was missing my life before the baby, when my husband and I could go out to dinner, when I could sleep more than a couple hours at a time, and when my life did not always revolve around a newborn baby. In the midst of these thoughts are guilt because many women out there would love to have a new baby, and her I am thinking I ruined my own life, my husband's life, and my daughter's. That day was the beginning of a horrible downward spiral that has landed me near rock bottom...and it's become very clear that I have postpartum depression. My daughter is now 2 weeks old as of today and I am struggling to enjoy my baby. I do love her, but I am almost afraid of her. This coming Monday, my husband is going back to work so I'll be alone with her all day during the day and I am beyond terrified about that. I am afraid of going into a panic. It will be the first time I can't just leave and run away from my feelings.
I don't know if it is caused by pure exhaustion and hormones or not, but postpartum depression is evil. You expect to be over the moon after the birth of your child and you expect it to be so blissful, and then it sneaks up on you and hits you with guilt, hopelessness, despair, regret, and a whole slew of emotions that are a huge shock to your body. So, in an attempt to get rid of this or help it, I made a trip to the doctor that I really did not want to make, and got some medicine. It is going to take a good 2 weeks or so to work, or to be most effective or whatever, so I'm just waiting. The thing about it is I can't breastfeed while I take it. Well I can, but the effects on the infant are unknown and they could be learning delays. So I'd rather not take that chance.
If you knew me well or talked to me a lot during my pregnancy, I did so much research on breastfeeding and how to be successful at it while I was pregnant. I took a class taught by a lactation consultant, read various books, you name it. Then I was blessed with a baby who latches on like a pro. I loved nursing her, and she did too. She would gaze up at me with her loving, innocent blue eyes while she ate. The fact that I have to give that up now breaks my heart completely. I feel like I am somehow failing her, because breastmilk is best, and it was a great bonding experience for us. So that is something I am completely and totally struggling with. I hate having to use formula and yes, I know that formula is not poison and it is not the end of the world that she eats formula. In fact, she seems to be adjusting well to the bottle. But everything I wanted and tried to plan for during my pregnancy didn't happen like I wanted it to. Obviously I did not plan for a c-section, and I did not want to quit nursing.
To sum it up, I feel very defeated but this is a battle I just can't win without help. Even if help is a drug I never wanted to have to take. I feel very weak, and like less of a woman right now as I watch my daughter lay in my husband's arms, sucking on her pacifier, looking content. He's been a big help which is why I am so nervous for him to go back to work. My mom can come in the afternoon, but it will be a long and tiring morning for us, mostly me. I can already forsee it, and I don't want to even think about how it will be come January when school starts again. All the people who come and visit can easily leave and go back to their normal lives. My husband can even go to work, which is like an escape from home, and resume his normal life, and I can't. My new life is staying home with her, and it is much harder than I thought it would be.
Also, the title of this is from a song I really like and would love to be able to sing to my baby, You Are My Sunshine. I have tried since this has all happened, and I can't seem to get past "you make me happy...." because right now, no one really makes me happy right now, as sad as that is.
So, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Oh, if anyone wants to know more about postpartum depression or anything like that, Brooke Shields' book is great.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Leah Marie
I had my baby girl on Saturday December 12 at 1:32am. She was born on her due date, which wasn't exactly by her own choice so it's really not that exciting.
All last week I was not dilated and I had a high cervix, so my doctor sent me in to get my amniotic fluid and her growth checked to make sure she was continuing to thrive, which she was but my amniotic fluid was incredibly low, and she was full term (39 weeks 5 days) so why leave her in there? The doctors decided it was best to induce me, which actually I was upset about because I wanted to feel contractions at home, go through the "time to go to the hospital!" phase with my husband, and all of that. Instead, after my appointment on Thursday I went home, cleaned, packed, showered, and went to the hospital at 9.
Being induced was awful. Beyond awful. They did 3 different methods of induction, and maybe 20 hours or so after it all started, I was progressing on my own, which was really funny...not. They did all kinds of painful procedures to make me progress, and I was exhausted, hungry, thirsty, and just miserable by Friday night. I think I got my epidural at 4cm because the contractions were pretty strong. What's really cool is my epidural worked on the left half of my body and they had a very hard time getting it to take. So, I still felt everything on the right, which was of course, hell. Once I hit 9cm, they saw that she had flipped face up (it's much harder to squeeze out a face up baby) and her heartrate dropped with every contraction and by this point they were frequent, and I began vomiting pretty badly. So, my doctor decided to do a c section, and after being in labor for 27, yes 27 hours, I don't think I could've pushed anything out, so c section it was.
Oh the c section. They had to do a full spinal epidural, which had its own fair share of problems. I had random dots of skin that I could feel, thankfully none of which were being cut. The tugging and pressure and feeling of your muscles being spread, however, made me almost puke again but the trusty anesthesiologist put something fantastic in my epidural to help with that and I didn't puke. Then, I heard a little whimper, and baby was out! What's heartbreaking for me is that when she came out, I began to convulse and shake very violently, and did so for a couple hours after her birth. My mouth was hurting from my teeth chattering so I was holding my jaw with my hands, which didn't help. They finally took me to the delivery room where Leah was and I barely looked at her. I put my arm over my face, and just shook miserably. My family was in there admiring the baby, trying to talk to me, and I was just not responsive. I could hear her and I remember thinking that I needed to get her on the boobs soon so she could latch on, but I was too shaky. So, long story short, I missed the first 2 hours of her life because of this and I still feel so sad about it, but we went to post partum, and I finally got to hold, cuddle, kiss, and love her. Now, she is almost 4 days old and just a great baby. I can't get enough of her.
I more or less wrote this for me, but if you read this, I thank you :). I'm sure I forgot some details which I will add later.
All last week I was not dilated and I had a high cervix, so my doctor sent me in to get my amniotic fluid and her growth checked to make sure she was continuing to thrive, which she was but my amniotic fluid was incredibly low, and she was full term (39 weeks 5 days) so why leave her in there? The doctors decided it was best to induce me, which actually I was upset about because I wanted to feel contractions at home, go through the "time to go to the hospital!" phase with my husband, and all of that. Instead, after my appointment on Thursday I went home, cleaned, packed, showered, and went to the hospital at 9.
Being induced was awful. Beyond awful. They did 3 different methods of induction, and maybe 20 hours or so after it all started, I was progressing on my own, which was really funny...not. They did all kinds of painful procedures to make me progress, and I was exhausted, hungry, thirsty, and just miserable by Friday night. I think I got my epidural at 4cm because the contractions were pretty strong. What's really cool is my epidural worked on the left half of my body and they had a very hard time getting it to take. So, I still felt everything on the right, which was of course, hell. Once I hit 9cm, they saw that she had flipped face up (it's much harder to squeeze out a face up baby) and her heartrate dropped with every contraction and by this point they were frequent, and I began vomiting pretty badly. So, my doctor decided to do a c section, and after being in labor for 27, yes 27 hours, I don't think I could've pushed anything out, so c section it was.
Oh the c section. They had to do a full spinal epidural, which had its own fair share of problems. I had random dots of skin that I could feel, thankfully none of which were being cut. The tugging and pressure and feeling of your muscles being spread, however, made me almost puke again but the trusty anesthesiologist put something fantastic in my epidural to help with that and I didn't puke. Then, I heard a little whimper, and baby was out! What's heartbreaking for me is that when she came out, I began to convulse and shake very violently, and did so for a couple hours after her birth. My mouth was hurting from my teeth chattering so I was holding my jaw with my hands, which didn't help. They finally took me to the delivery room where Leah was and I barely looked at her. I put my arm over my face, and just shook miserably. My family was in there admiring the baby, trying to talk to me, and I was just not responsive. I could hear her and I remember thinking that I needed to get her on the boobs soon so she could latch on, but I was too shaky. So, long story short, I missed the first 2 hours of her life because of this and I still feel so sad about it, but we went to post partum, and I finally got to hold, cuddle, kiss, and love her. Now, she is almost 4 days old and just a great baby. I can't get enough of her.
I more or less wrote this for me, but if you read this, I thank you :). I'm sure I forgot some details which I will add later.
Friday, December 4, 2009
I lied.
I'm 39 weeks pregnant...and so sore and anxious! I had to make a post about it, haha. I'm feeling good though, I just want to meet my baby. I still have a lot of cleaning to do. I fell a bit behind with it...and I am so so so tired. It's 9:30 and I've managed to stay up this late but I can't do it anymore. Goodnight!
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