It's time.

It's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I am continuing to suffer from postpartum depression. Yes it is hard, yes some days are far better than others, and yes, once again, it is HARD. It is hard to put on a happy face, muster up energy when I'd rather stay in bed all day, and it is hard to care for a baby who depends entirely on me, but still, I need to do something productive to help myself.

First, I guess I need to give up the guilt for not continuing to breastfeed. This is the hardest part for me because I was EXTREMELY BLESSED with a little angel baby who latched on perfectly. The reason I stopped was because I felt myself sinking deeply into a depression and I was literally feeding her every 45 minutes so it was like I never stopped. I had very little time to eat, drink, and sleep. It was physically and emotionally draining me. So, I caved and gave her a bottle of formula and it was heartbreaking for me to see her face while she took the bottle, and wonder why her mommy wasn't feeding her. It still breaks my heart to wonder if she thinks or thought that. The good news is she still latches on and I think I still make milk. I think every few hours throughout the day I might latch her on, because I think that even if she just gets a sip of milk every day it will be good for her. And it will be good for me to know that I am helping her in a way.

Days like today make me feel like a terrible mother. I just feel no emotion sometimes, now being one of them. I look at her and think gee what a cute baby, but I don't feel some super euphoric loving bond with her. I don't know if during my pregnancy I had some super high expectations of a perfect loving bond after a perfect labor, but what I got was a baby I couldn't even hold for a few hours since I was shaking so hard, after a hard labor and major abdominal surgery. And I cried today, pretty hard. Not everyone is blessed with a baby. Many women are infertile and never get to experience what I did. I would shoot anyone who tried to take my daughter from me, but there are some pretty bad times that I just feel like I want to get in my car and drive as far away as I can go. Today, I had to go to my OB to have her fill out a paper and it got me very emotional to see all the pregnant happy women in there. I miss being pregnant.

Now, I need to get out of this. It's completely not fair to myself or to my little baby. First, I am going to change my diet to a much more nutritious one, and start to exercise a little bit, even if it's just me taking her out on a walk. When I think about this, it's hard because with a 2 month old (almost) baby, my energy is very low but I need to make a conscious effort to improve my life and my well being, if not for me then for Leah, who deserves nothing in the world but the best of everything. I have friends who have babies and are literally on their own due to deployed husbands, and for God's sake there was just a huge earthquake in Haiti. And here I am, with a roof over my head and a fantastic husband and daughter and I cry. A lot.

It's going to take a constant effort on my part for me to climb my way out of this hole, but it will be worth it once I do. All I hope for is that I continue to progress and get better, and that I can hopefully somewhat avoid sinking as far as I have. I just don't understand because I was honestly doing so well for a while and I don't know what happened that made me feel bad again. It could be that my life revolves around a baby and I don't get a whole lot of help from my husband since he's in school, my lack of adult interaction, it could be any number of things really. I just need to realize that I can't wish this away, hope it away, or even pray it away.

I need to be more proactive when I feel like this, but it really is hard when I just feel like giving up.