6 more weeks

Well I made it to 34 weeks. Not that there was ever any real doubt but my doctor wasn't too sure a few months back because of some mild complications. If she were to be born today, which a small part of me wishes she could be since I am getting uncomfortable, she'd be just fine. That's always a huge relief.

In the next 6 weeks, I don't have all that much to do. Nothing that will take 6 weeks anyway. Her clothes need washing, and I slowly need to make stops at babies r us to pick up a few things I still need, and that's really it. What sucks is I have no job now. Yes, I wanted to stay at home with the baby anyway, but I wanted to work a little bit longer before I left. I am not one who can sit around the house all day. I have never really NOT been busy in my life. I've always been in school, or working, and for a long time it was both. I've never just been idle, ever. There are things around the house, like detailed cleanings, but that, again, won't last for 6 weeks.

Which brings me to a scary and unpleasant thought of mine...I may very well hate being a stay at home mom, because of my inability to be at home all day. Yes, I do realize a newborn, or even an older infant keeps one plenty busy but it's a huge adjustment. I think it's all hitting me that my childfree days are numbered, and while I am so excited to meet my little girl, I'm terrified of screwing up. And even right now, feeling like I might not like spending all day with her, I feel like some sort of monster for not wanting to be around her. Over the past 8 months, literally, I have learned SO much and done so much research that I feel like I've been a mom for years. I have poured my energy into learning things, making educated decisions, and planning them out. Now, it's all real. She's coming very soon and am I really ready? Once she's here and it warms up, I can always take her on a walk around my neighborhood so we can both get sunlight and fresh air. I'm just scared of going stir crazy I guess.

I don't know if any of what I just wrote makes sense. I'm tired, and pregnant haha so it shouldn't have to.