Warning for who ever may read this: I am in a very down mood.
I know not everything in life goes as planned, but still. I wasn't supposed to get postpartum depression. I wasn't supposed to gain as much weight as I did. I wasn't supposed to be unable to breastfeed for longer than a few weeks. I wasn't supposed to use formula, or disposable diapers. For some reason, this week, I got really down again and I am hating it. I don't know if it was the return of my period (sorry, way TMI) or what it was but it occured to me that my baby will only eat more, and the larger size diapers come in lesser quantities per box, so you have to buy more, and we will seemingly go broke. Even if I wanted to find a job, the economy is horrible so there are like 10,000 people, probably literally, applying to the same jobs. I also don't yet have a degree so I wouldn't stand out. I don't know what it is. But I am tired of feeling like a fat slob in a messy house, because at this exact moment I am far too drained to get up and clean it. I guess it's not TOO bad, but bad enough for the moment.
I know I shouldn't feel this way, but that doesn't help. I am very blessed to have a happy baby (unless she's fighting her nap...a daily occurance) and a supportive and loving husband, but I still feel so alone and sad right now. I also feel guilty because so many women out there cannot have children or have to resort to miserably long processes to have them, and here I am, not the happiest person like I should be or thought I would be. I still have so much guilt about breastfeeding. Maybe I could've pumped, maybe I could've just fought through what I was going through at the time I gave it up, but I didn't and I know formula probably isn't as bad as the extreme lactivists think it is, but I hate having to buy something my body was making on it's own. I'd love to try to get it back, but I'm pretty sure it's not possible. I thought about trying to take supplements to get my supply back, but it's almost totally gone, sadly. I do know that she can still latch on because I tried and let her for a little bit, but I have no idea what she got out of me, if anything.
On another note, when my daughter is fighting her naps, it seems like she's PHYSICALLY fighting her nap. She bats at me and hits me. I hope she doesn't mean to.
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I know I can sit her and say, "Cheer up" but sometimes we are just sick of hearing it all the time. It is easier to bask in our loathing self pity. I know I did it and felt helpless. It sometimes comes and goes. I went through a period where I felt Addison was just mean to me. She kept hitting me too and I seriously just didn't want to put up with the abuse. Sad to say about a 10 (or so) month old. But it was true. I was sick of being hit because I thought she hated me.
ReplyDeleteBeing a mom is such a hard job. I would be lying if I said anything else. But the rewards completely outweigh the negatives.
First, formula is totally fine! Stop making yourself feel bad for this. It is even okay to buy the store brand. Its the same and much cheaper. When we brought Addison home, I put her on the Target brand (similar to Enfamil) for literally half price.
Second, diapers. They will be never ending until she is like 2.5 years old. You can get a shit load from Costco for much cheaper and I absolutely cannot see a difference between them and Huggies Little Movers.
Third, house. Yes, another never ending cycle. I feel like I clean and then seconds later it was for a waste. To keep it up, spend every other day alternating between the upstairs and downstairs. I do a spring clean of both floors and then try to just "maintain" one floor everyday doing a much "straightening up" as a can each day. It's the only way I can manage the whole thing. Sometimes I wonder why the hell did I buy such a big house!
It is going to be a daily struggle to where you need to tell yourself everyday that you can do it. That you can get through it no matter what. Join some Mommy groups too...playgroups or whatever to start interacting with other moms out there. I'm jealous because I wish I could. However, they only meet during my work times. This will help you to get out of the house and socialize with other SAHM in your same situation.