Fail.

I couldn't do the cleanse. It literally made me sick...so that's that. Back to weight watchers I go. I feel like such a failure. For many reasons beyond the stupid cleanse. I was supposed to breastfeed and cloth diaper. Fail on both counts there. I was supposed to be a good SAHM and keep the house clean and the husband happy. Fail there too. I was supposed to maintain my thin physique through marriage and pregnancy and beyond. BIG FAT FAIL. I hate this feeling. I'm in a rut and I don't quite know how to get out of it.

The Master Cleanse and Math

So...tomorrow is the first day of the Master Cleanse. If you're reading this and you have no idea what that is, allow me to explain. It's a minimum of 10 days, and all you do is consume a laxative tea in the morning, then a mixture of 8oz water, 2tbsp maple syrup, 2tbsp lemon juice, and a dash of cayenne pepper...and you drink that 6-12 times a day, then a laxative tea at night. Sounds crazy, I know. But I've heard great things about it and my dad just did it with great results. I'm hoping to do 10 days but I may get ballsy (for lack of a better term) and go for more. I know its a cleanse and isn't necessarily for weight loss but I know, being as overweight as I am, that it will yield weight loss for me. So...I'm hoping to lose between 20-30 lbs, even if it is mostly water weight. I'm going to blog my way through it too. Oh boy!

On to math. I am really REALLY bad at math and I have a final on Saturday. I am so nervous that I'm going to fail this class....I don't think I'd actually fail but I'm fairly certain I won't get above a B...ugh. I am so nervous about it that it isn't even funny. I should probably get back to studying now...

Hitting

If ANYONE has ANY suggestions on how to get my child not to hit, I'll gladly take them. She hits everything and everyone, including herself when she gets angry. I told her to get out of the dogs water...she hit herself. I told her to stop banging on the keyboard, she hit the keyboard. I tell her no for something, she hits me. It's getting old and I don't believe in spanking, especially not for hitting...so yeah. No idea what will work. She doesn't seem to grasp the concept of time out either.

White blood cells and toddler beds

Wednesday night we decided to put Leah into a toddler bed. We took the front rail off of the crib so now it looks like a day bed. That particular night, she was super fussy and I wasn't entirely sure why. She had no real symptoms, but she did feel a little bit warm. I just assumed it was because its 1002929 degrees outside, and she was fine. She eventually went to sleep and only woke up twice, one of those times out of her bed so I had to put her back in.

A fussy choogles getting read to by daddy and Charger

So, Thursday she only took a 45 minute nap which isn't entirely unusual for her. She just wasn't herself all day. Eventually, she just cuddled up and laid on me and I noticed she was warm...so I take her temp and sure 'nough, it was 104. Holy cow. So Rich and I debate whether or not we're going to take her to the ER or not and ultimately decided not to since her fever went down to 101. This morning, she woke up and it was 105.4! I took her to the ped first thing. He thoroughly checked her out, including a urine sample and blood work, and we still don't know what's wrong with my baby. Her white blood cell count was high, and something else was high, so he put her on amoxicillin to fight off any infection. But seriously: motrin is a wonder drug. It brought Leah's fever from 105.4 to 97.8 in about 3 hours. Now, Leah is fever free and in a mortin and amoxicillin induced slumber in her toddler bed, looking all nice and peaceful.

And here is Miss Leah, sitting in the bumbo, eating a cookie

I've had the crappiest week as far as weight watchers goes. Beyond crappy. I hate it and at times, I hate myself for what I do to my body. I know I need to stop and get better; I'm not getting any younger and its only going to get harder. But its a hard battle I'm fighting. Very hard. Its like I don't know where to begin...kinda like when you have so much to do you don't know where to start with it all...its the same basic principle for me. I bought some popsicles last night because I thought Leah might like one. Not more than 5 minutes ago, Rich comes up and asks if there are any left. I jokingly said "no I ate all 16" and he says "I wouldn't put it past you..." I don't think he meant to be hurtful, but he was. Ugh.

Tomorrow is a new day...but tomorrow I'm going to Lindo Michoacan with my Grandma. I guess Sunday will be the day that I get super strict. Oh how many times I've said that...

Hi my name is Rachel...

...and I am a bona fide food addict. No joke. My mom got me a book about it (gee thanks mom) and it really hits home.

This is the book, if anyone is curious about it

Anyway...I've been reading it and it's pretty enlightening. I do have a few problems with the book though.

     It has a huge list of foods you must abstain from. Wheat, flour, alcohol (which isn't a problem at all since I don't drink), sugar, sugary fruits...the list goes on. My problem with this is I guess I believe in anything in moderation, within reason. But the book says that these foods are all trigger foods and will trigger eating binges. I'm not too sure I believe that. I love bread and pasta, so I'd be miserable if I had to go the rest of my life without that stuff. Sugar and alcohol though...well maybe not so much sugar but definitely alcohol, are not a problem at all.

     So, instead of following this super strict food plan, I joined weight watchers. It's going well, except the last 3 days I've eating like crap (stupid family gatherings). Tomorrow will be a crappy eating day too because it's my cousin's graduation party. The good news is I haven't gained any weight...which is exciting since I've gained about 15 lbs since January. I wish I was joking. It's to the point where I have no self confidence. Zero. I avoid my friends like the plague, and I just in general feel like crap most days. I even am starting to get random bruising on my feet and ankles, probably from putting so much weight on them. I just know this is going to be a hard battle and I don't know where to begin. It's going to take so much hard work and dedication and some days I don't feel like I'm up for the fight.

So yeah...I'm sitting here and my pants are awfully snug, just reflecting on things and I decided to blog about it.

I lied

Using my crappy laptop to transfer songs to my awesome new computer is taking much longer than I thought. Anyhow..here are some adorable pictures.

Me and my little lovey

Talking to Grandpa on the phone

Whatever mom!

GREAT NEWS!

I'm going to start blogging again. I know you're all so excited. I need to renovate my blog and make it pretty but for now, I'm playing with my new computer. Stay tuned...if anyone actually reads this besides me. :)